hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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