Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
