Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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