I can tuck mytits in my pants
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
