u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
