John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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