now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
