You're my little dorito
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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