I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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