They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
