I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
