"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
