When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
