Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
