My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
