Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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