These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You took a bar mat shot.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
