I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
