Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
