I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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