he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
