I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think I have vodka in my lungs
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
