Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
