I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
