I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
