I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I wear drunk well.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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