I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
