why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
