Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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