tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
