Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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