I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
