Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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