The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
