I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
