Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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