You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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