she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
