If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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