I heard we made out
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
