you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
