I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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