I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
