fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
