you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
