i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
