i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
