my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
