M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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