I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
