as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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